And she called out a warning...

Note: If this gets a little too emo, bohemian, or philosophical, my bad. I promise it will never happen again.

So, after Degrassi (JIMMY GOT SHOT WHAT THE HELL) Sarah and I do our weekly discussion, because we're the only two people in Sussex Country who watch the show.  Well after the 'jimmy is gonna make it' and 'manny is a slutbag' conversations we somehow went off into how much we changed since freshman year.  It was only what - two years ago?  I look completely different, I act completely different, I function completely different, I think completely different. I came a long way from being the shy girl in the corner who was uncomfortable with herself and afraid to breathe on anyone. I always thought I was different from the rest of you - I'm sorry, its a bad habit that I got from sms.  I used to live passenger's seat of my own life. I was trained like a dog since 6th grade - up to the end of sophmore year I didn't really do anything for myself.  I did things because I was told and I wanted to make people happy.  I was happy when the world was happy.  And I was naive, I went along with it - I didn't know better.  I thought life was a made for tv movie and everything would work out and if I just sat back stuff would happen. Well it did - but usually not in my favor. But I always thought I had a second chance, and in a sense I did (and do) but I wasted so much precious time.  I thought I knew better and to wait to start living, but in reality I finally see that I'm not special - I'm just like all of you. That was a biggie for me. I'm not alone; you're all feeling the same shit and euphoria that I do. I'm your average teenager that lives under pressures of surviving life.  I think I'm fat, ugly, unloved, and incapable of doing anything, productive or not, just like everyone else. From this week alone I want to quit school, drown in the pool, and give up on relationships.  But hell, its not just me, everyone is like that.  We all together, just waiting to be loved. Thats all  I want - someone to love me. You want to know my one true fear, you got it - I'm scared no one will to love me, hold me, and be there for me.  Now, I know I have friends that love me - thats not the kind of love im talking about. My friends will always be there, and I love them for it. <333 Ite's just sometimes I'm looking for something more.  It seems that everytime I think I found someone boom - it never works out. Maybe its just my bad luck, or some superficial-ass media standard says I'm not pretty enough, I dunno. The only thing I do know is that I don't want to be alone. Yeah, maybe I'm goin too far since I'm only 17, but when it comes to love I feel like such a failure. Eh, I think too much.

I just wish I learned that sooner.  I found the balance, I think. I could keep going on but I don't want to bore you guys so if you're that interested just ask me or something...

Speaking of sms, I lost you. All of you. No matter how much I want to I can't go back to the days where everything was carefree and my biggest worry was getting a 95 on a spelling test. You were all a great part of my life, but I don't know you anymore. You know I'm right; you don't me either. You've become totally different people. Now don't take that the wrong way. We'll always share that bond, and I WILL come down to visit you someday...but we can never go back to the way things were. It's too late. I was silly and naive to think we could still remain as close as we were. But as I said before we don't have today or the future - but yesterday is better than nothing. <3

This is my 100th entry. This is also going to be my last. When I started this thing a few months ago, I started it for one reason and one reason alone.  And for a while I was getting the results I wanted - he was leaving me nice long comments, just like I wanted him too. But he's out of my life now, and when I realized that, I lost my true motives for keeping this thing, i mean, why did I start it in the first place? I'm ashamed of myself - half of the reason was I did it for him. And the more I thought about it, the more I found good reasons to stop this thing. Why should I sell myself out like this? I'm just another person with another simply complicated life. The only people who need to know whats going on in my life are the ones I tell face to face.  My life is already full of so much damn drama, and this journal just adds to it at a whole different level. This day was coming, the day I'd grow up and stop doing this game of internet blog tag. I'm just happy its here.  You people don't need to know about my life - only I do. Only if I had the self-confidence to know that when I started...le sigh. But the other reason I started this puppy was to entertain you guys - because hell, we all need a little laugh in our lives.  And even though I'm finally living, I still want to see you guys happy. What can I say, I'm a socialist. : P  And it worked. You guys (from what I see in the comments) fine me mildly entertaining. That makes me happy. A dream of mine was becoming a writer, so I used this as a little experiment. And in the aspect of writing itself, it worked. So thanks guys - thanks for listening to me rant, rave, cry, laugh, and all that other crap. One last thing (lol sorry guys, I know this is long). I realized you people do read my journal, and the things I say (good or bad) are heard, and sometimes they hurt you. I always thought that whatever I said here was isolated and you wouldn't get the connection. I know that sounds stupid. I was pleased with the praise, but an entry a few times back showed me this thing is a double-edged sword. I felt horrible when I wrote all that crap about you - but I felt even worse when you told me how much it hurt you. I had no idea you'd read. I'm sorry.  The last thing I want in the world is to hurt you. I don't know how else to say I love you, because you already know. And I finally got the picture that even though you don't show it, you love me too. Alright enough mushiness.

So I leave you with this:

Time moves on, keep going forward to tomorrow, and remember

                                                                                            someone always loves you. Goodnight everyone. <3

And if you could see what's come over me
Then you would know
Cause I'm  w a l k i n g  f r e e
The wind at my back,
Bathed in afterglow  *

I'm busting out of this joint.           

 - Gabrielle Cecilia <3

Current Mood: hopeful

Current Music: Vanessa Carlton // Afterglow

Happy thanksgiving everyone.  All the stuff is heating and we're waiting for the clan to get here.   They better get here soon, or else some of the stuffing will be missing...

( So in the meantime... )

Current Mood: mellow

Current Music: 311 // Beautiful Disaster

Beacause you're all dying to know about my week; plus it was short so I remember it:

On Monday I went to school, then practice, and other normal stuff. Joy.

Tuesday I woke up with a stomach bug but went to school because it was the para-liturgy, the only good mass of the year and i had an english test.  But my mom wouldn't let me drive in because I was sick.  So anyway the para-liturgy was nice as usual.  I also get into school to gind out im practically failing algebra II (again) but i'm doing really well in english (?). After I nearly feel asleep in AP from the bug-ness I went to the nurse who sent me home.  I got home around 1 and went to bed even though I couldn't fall asleep because the cleaning lady was vacuuming outside my room.  The next thing i knew it was eight and I missed time trials at practice, even though I wasn't going to swim because I couldn't even walk in a straight line.  I got up went online ate soup and realized i got my mom sick too ( : / . And then I went back to bed at nine. Woohoo.

Wednesday was a good day. School was slow because none of us wanted to be there. Practice was switched to right after school. I drove kevin over but we got stuck in traffic b/c route 15 sucks.  Then at practice mr carlson was stuck in traffic too so we all chilled in the deck for 45 minutes.  Then i came home, took a shower and after this I am probably going to bed because I'm still tired from yesterday.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody.  But remember, turkeys have feelings too. <33

( flagpole sitta )

Current Mood: satisfied

Current Music: Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta

Sigh, I can’t go out on the first night of my license. So, why not write to all you lovely people…

Life decided to flash before my eyes. No, not like when you’re driving on Route 46 on a Friday and you have a feeling you’re coming out alive life flash-ness, but the kind where your life is completely than it as four days before.  No shallow cliché-ness – it’s completely different.  The completely different where you can’t go back.

Something I really didn’t expect happened. The dad of my best friend - the person who I’ve known forever, the person who knows me better than anyone else, the person who is the only thing I have left of the past – died on Tuesday. And with all I said, is it wrong to be devastated? I’ll slap you if you say yes.  The death itself was sudden and tragic, but it’s was me seeing my best friend in such pain that made me so distraught. See, there are things I know that you don’t about her. She’s been through so much shit already, she didn’t need this. It may not be obvious, but I look up to her for strength and she’s the strongest person I know.  I know things bother her and her life isn’t exactly normal and easy, but she doesn’t say anything. That takes a lot of courage, a lot of courage I wish I had. But I don’t expect you to know, but I expect you to understand. And I’m not trying to take the light from her, she deserves it more than anyone right now, but I was hurting too.  I felt isolated because she was there and I was here, and I couldn’t help her.  I was able to comfort you people, but none of you were able to have my back too – the whole ordeal had a different effect on me. I can’t explain it to you; the only thing I can say is to imagine that your childhood best friend’s dad died suddenly, and how her loss is your loss too. You’ll know what I mean when it happens to you.

You really disappointed me. His death didn’t make me cry nearly as much as my disappointment and frustration in you did. Maybe I expected too much from you, or I’m going too far, but where the hell were you?  I thought you would have been there for me – you’re more sympathetic than most. (Hah, only now I realize only when you want to.) If we’re such good friends like you say we are, why didn’t you understand what was going on? I would have been there for you in a heartbeat if the situation reversed. Even when I told you on the phone, you weren’t listening – you were somewhere else. Maybe I should have cried to your face when I was holding back. But this isn’t the first time in the past few weeks things like this have happened. I know you’ve been having a hard time, and you knew that if you told me I would have been there for you, but no – I had to hear through the grapevine. Do you not trust me? After all the time we’ve spent together?I was hoping you would be the one to save me; you left me down. No, you let me drop. You’re too caught up in your own little dream world that I have to unfortunately say will probably never come true. That’s the one thing I hate about you – you become ignorantly agnostic when it comes to unpleasant realities. You pretend things aren’t there to run from dealing with them. Is that it? Are you uncomfortable with this kind stuff? C’mon you have to tell me, aren’t we at that level? I thought we were, but now I’m not so sure. The thing is – I love you. Calm down, not like I want to jump on your or anything – it’s different. I love seeing you, being around you, and I don’t want to lose you. But I bet you forgot we already had this conversation a few months ago. I thought we were different.

But from the bad, good has a rebirth. Some other people, I realized, are there for me, and we still have that something. You ay not care, but they do. I got back in touch with people I never thought I would talk to again. And that makes me happy. All isn’t lost…My birthday was a nice little median, even though I wasn’t really into celebrating. And being nrevous for my test the next day didn't help. I love you people. Honest to God, I didn’t even think some of you would care. But thanks for being there for me. You guys…amazing. Why am I so damn lucky? <3

For some strange reason, I reeealy wanted to talk to Casey. He would understand. He understands everything. I just didn’t have the heart to bother him…

I’ll probably add everything I forgot to say some other time.

End note: The week ended with a driver’s license, a car, and a parking spot. Yay.

Have a nice weekend kids – SWIM SEASON STARTS MONDAY!! : D

love <3

Current Mood: retrospective

Current Music: Boy Hits Car // I'm A Cloud

( la SweDiSh FiSh: listen, i am the master )

Current Mood: amused

Current Music: Mad Caddies - Falling Down